It's been a productive week for a fellow who enjoys the pursuit of self-knowledge. The overarching theme of my life lately has been the revelation that I've grown up. I'm learning that my image of myself is hopelessly outdated, that I'm in fact a much more capable person than I thought.
After my surprising encounter with Dorinda, I had a mind that would not be quieted until certain questions were answered. Luckily she felt the same, and we were able to get the answers we needed. I feel very privledged to have met her, and to know her as well as I do already. In her I recognize a very similar and rare type, and I am sure we are going to be lifelong friends. In my youth I could not have enjoyed a connection like this so readily, and I'm grateful to myself for being an adult when this extraordinary thing happened. Now that I'm reaping the benefits of my youthful mistakes I don't feel like they were such a waste.
Underneath the fog of all this excitement, my work at Shopzilla has become a good deal less intimidating. Although this is still the most challenging work I've ever had, the fact remains that this is what I do, and I'm quite good at it. The URL translation project is nearly ready to hand off for testing, something I could not have done without Amos there to essentially walk me through it. I have also been researching ways to improve the rest of our codebase, which like the URL restructure portion is incomprehensibly large and unmanagable.
One thing I've been pushing is a perl technique known as "inside-out objects." This is something I first read about in Damian Conway's Perl Best Practices, which I lovingly refer to as "the Conway." I've been researching the available implementations of this technique, one of which I'm now championing in my department, with some success. The guys I work with really impress me, just as Dorinda impresses me. However, as with her, I clearly recognize commonality, which means I'm one of these people too. I feel as though I'm in excellent company.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Trapped in my Mind
Did I always dream this much?
My sleep has been a bit unsatisfying since I've been back in Los Angeles. Most nights I barely get 8 hours, and even that's a stuttering, fitful affair. I find myself raising my head every few hours to confirm that it's not time to get up yet. On top of that, my dreams are getting extremely vivid and dense, to the point that I wake up mentally exhausted.
Maybe it's because I had such a crazy weekend. I attended a dance party with roommate Baron. He has excellent taste in girl friends, and he brought a few of them along with us. I knew Barbara and Michelle, but I'd never met Dorinda before. Not that it mattered, there was nothing that could have prepared me for that experience. This girl was friendly, gorgeous and almost certainly smarter than me. We were instant friends, and spent a good deal of time gabbing at each other about a large number of things, including our work, our personal lives (she's got a boyfriend, of course) and even the existence of the soul (I'm against it, she's in favor). I also broke my usual rule of not getting contact info from any of Baron's girl friends, since I was so impressed with her.
When Monday arrived I woke from a mercifully dreamless sleep with one of the worst hangovers I've ever experienced. Still, I managed to drag myself to work and even had a few productive hours late in the day. By that evening I was beginning to feel more like myself, and by Tuesday I was at about 80%, which is perfectly workable. Unfortunately it was at about this point that I realized that even though I had recovered from my hangover, it was going to take me a good deal longer to recover from meeting Dorinda.
The women in my life have always haunted me like ghosts. I chalk this up to a peculiarity of my personality, but recognizing this has never made it much easier. First I humbled myself in front of Sarah and then Liz, even though I was the one to end both of those relationships. Then I got into that awful on-again off-again pattern with Steph. Finally I had to be dismissed by an enraged Kelly in the bulk department of the co-op. It's no wonder that I cultivate friendships with women, because as soon as it progresses past that point I become absolutely pathetic.
A friend of Liam's once told me that the mind is a tool, but it's also a trap. This has been my mantra ever since, and in no place does it apply more than in my relationships with women. Although I'm confident that I'll recover from this latest affliction soon enough, it has served as a sobering reminder of my most profound weakness.
My sleep has been a bit unsatisfying since I've been back in Los Angeles. Most nights I barely get 8 hours, and even that's a stuttering, fitful affair. I find myself raising my head every few hours to confirm that it's not time to get up yet. On top of that, my dreams are getting extremely vivid and dense, to the point that I wake up mentally exhausted.
Maybe it's because I had such a crazy weekend. I attended a dance party with roommate Baron. He has excellent taste in girl friends, and he brought a few of them along with us. I knew Barbara and Michelle, but I'd never met Dorinda before. Not that it mattered, there was nothing that could have prepared me for that experience. This girl was friendly, gorgeous and almost certainly smarter than me. We were instant friends, and spent a good deal of time gabbing at each other about a large number of things, including our work, our personal lives (she's got a boyfriend, of course) and even the existence of the soul (I'm against it, she's in favor). I also broke my usual rule of not getting contact info from any of Baron's girl friends, since I was so impressed with her.
When Monday arrived I woke from a mercifully dreamless sleep with one of the worst hangovers I've ever experienced. Still, I managed to drag myself to work and even had a few productive hours late in the day. By that evening I was beginning to feel more like myself, and by Tuesday I was at about 80%, which is perfectly workable. Unfortunately it was at about this point that I realized that even though I had recovered from my hangover, it was going to take me a good deal longer to recover from meeting Dorinda.
The women in my life have always haunted me like ghosts. I chalk this up to a peculiarity of my personality, but recognizing this has never made it much easier. First I humbled myself in front of Sarah and then Liz, even though I was the one to end both of those relationships. Then I got into that awful on-again off-again pattern with Steph. Finally I had to be dismissed by an enraged Kelly in the bulk department of the co-op. It's no wonder that I cultivate friendships with women, because as soon as it progresses past that point I become absolutely pathetic.
A friend of Liam's once told me that the mind is a tool, but it's also a trap. This has been my mantra ever since, and in no place does it apply more than in my relationships with women. Although I'm confident that I'll recover from this latest affliction soon enough, it has served as a sobering reminder of my most profound weakness.
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